Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
