Sorry, I don't speak sober.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
