Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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