last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
