Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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