Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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