the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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