you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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