Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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