First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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