Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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