I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
