1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He has the fingertips of a God
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
