I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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