Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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