I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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