so that wasnt chicken after all
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize