I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
