Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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