his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize