dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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