3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
