You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
