R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
