That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
