Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
