Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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