Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
