Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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