just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
