so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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