and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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