its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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