Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
