Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
