I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
