Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
