remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
