Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
