I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
