my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
