please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
