Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
