Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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