You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
