don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
