She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
