I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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