You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
