I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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