I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
