forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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