i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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