I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
ok first of all what the fuck
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
