Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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