And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
