just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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