I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
