I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
