Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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