I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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